...And Then Everything Went Horribly, Horribly Wrong

Picture: Bangalore school buses

I am so tired that I can’t see. It’s 10:44 at night in Pland and 12:15 in the afternoon here. My right eye keeps trying to slam shut – apparently my body is attempting to sleep, piece by piece.

And sooo...since I’m not ready to work I’ll desribe my day yesterday...since the people I’m traveling with (girl: C, guy: T) and I were all loopy from jet lag we left the office early. We have a driver who takes us anywhere we want to go, so we went to a Western-style mall with a Lush and loaded up on half-price products, then ventured into some Indian knick-knack store with the most hilarious bronze statues of women taking their shirts off and people kissing, right next to fake flowers and the ugliest/tackiest collection of handbags and watches I’ve ever seen. OMG and then we happened upon a British-style pub...it was this big wooden door, hidden at the back of the mall...we didn’t even know what the hell it was, but being brave adventurers, we were like "let’s go in" and it was a super-plush bar with cricket games on big screens and a big model sailboat behind the bar, waiters in tuxedos…we were DYING. Completely random!!! So we had black russians – drinks with no ice – can’t take chances on Montezuma’s Revenge.

Then it was off to a food store for bottled water...and it was just like Mexico. Totally filthy and random. We bought 3 tiny bottles of Indian port, made in Goa (all of them FOUL) and some sodas and bottled water. There is a brand of super-sweet cola here called "Thums Up." The name alone made me incredibly happy. Thums Up. "Thums" – not "Thumbs" – oh, it’s genius.

Anyway what’s hilarious is that there are 7 million people here and other than when they’re driving, they are NOT in a hurry. The grocery checker was very slow, and the bagger was like UNDER WATER. We were all amazed that he was able to move as slowly as he did. He seriously defied the laws of physics.

And since the girl I’m traveling with spent 6 months living here, we went through her old neighborhood – where the "yuppies" live – but it’s India so it’s a MESS! The streets are filthy and full of people and you see big showrooms with expensive leather sofas next to shacks with roll-up corrugated metal doors that sell cigarettes and soft drinks and kitchen utensils. We got out – finally – my first time really "on" the street – and went to a little store that sells bindis, and then it was back to the hotel.

We were on a mission to stay awake til 8:30 p.m. so we could sleep through the night...and they have free happy hour at the hotel from 6-8, so we popped in there...had two drinks, then we went back to my room and sampled all the (grody)ports and ordered room service. We finally broke up around 10:30. I slept until 6 a.m., did Pilates, THEN went to the gym, and then ate another enormous breakfast.

They have a huge free buffet at the hotel with American, Asian and Indian breakfasts. We are all gorging ourselves – every morning I am eating pomegranate seeds, papaya, fried eggs, hash browns, plus these little Indian buckwheat pancakes with a potato stew on top, another cake (kind of like a thin crumpet) with chutney on top, and little dumplings that are soaked in milk and sugar. DUDE.

And the hotel gym is hilarious, too, b/c there’s nice equipment and marble floors, but the walls are crumbling. Apparently everything in this city is under construction. Someone was telling us that a guy she knows was thinking of how to make money off exporting all the Rubble! Haw haw!!! There are piles of rubble literally everywhere – rocks and bits of concrete and dirt where sidewalks should be, out in front of homes and buildings...

Oh, and back to the random factor – you’ll be driving down some decrepit twisty street and all of a sudden there’s a Pizza Hut. I am always thinking, "How on the FACE OF THE EARTH did they find this corner of the world and decide to put a Pizza Hut on it???"

One more tidbit: they don’t like Pakistanis here, but they LOVE Punjabi "rap." It’s basically a rap bassline (untz, untz, untz) and maybe a guy saying "yo, yo" or "dance, dance" and then the traditional shrill-voiced singer doing the "ayeeee-eeee-vidi vidi vidiiiiiiiiiii" thing in Hindi or whatever. Totally NUTS. And the videos are even better – they have hip hop choreography, but everyone is a little off-cue, and they’re wearing either traditional Indian clothes or else hilarious takeoffs on Western wear – t-shirts that say "Jeans" or have random numbers on them, bleached jeans, aviator sunglasses and George Michael-like facial hair. And all the women in them are beautiful (and chunky – yay!) and all the men have bad hair that looks like a thick wig, or else they have the Backstreet Boys Gel Attack going on.

Now the complainy part: It's hot here, and it so sucks to be on the indian clock! I'm used to spending my day sending a trillion emails, but nobody is emailing me because everyone I know is asleep. It’s 1 a.m. at home, and I just got back from lunch! We took an auto rickshaw – a 3-wheel open cab – and I tried to video it but my camera wasn’t cooperating. I am going to get some video of the traffic, though. It's pretty mind-blowing.

What else? The jet lag is pretty cruel. I have to write things down because I can't remember them 10 seconds after I look at them.

Hep meh.