...And Then Everything Went Horribly, Horribly Wrong

This is what I'm getting the Puppy for xmas. If you remember, it's the same wallet Samuel Jackson carried as Julian in Pulp Fiction. LOVE THIS.

Oh, and again with the tv...just heard over my shoulder that there is now an Antonio Banderas fragrance for men. Too sexy! Too sexy! Jeezus, people. What is wrong with this world?

So last night sucked, as predicted. L and I went to Ye Olde English Pub to "celebrate" the EH's graduation from college. At 31 years old. With a teaching degree. We got there at 7:30 and the only people there for his "party" were the lesbian folksingers. I couldn't believe that one of them was back in town - she left about a month ago to shack up with a big ol' bulldyke - and the first thing I said was "I can't wait for you to move that fuckin' motorhome." Ah, good times! So it was all awkward & stuff - especially since I had told the "good" one off last week over a minor event. (When you're friends for 15 years, your first tiff is pretty awkward.) Anyhoo, we had no choice but to forgive & forget ASAP since the EH was nowhere in sight.

Apparently the girls had looked for him all over the bar - not the world's biggest place - and even checked in the men's room. Plus, he's 6'6 and difficult to miss, if you know what I mean. But they were like "he's not here" and so L and I parked it and ordered ourselves a round.

Half an hour passes, and still no EH, so I called him. I swear to gawd he said, "I'm at home with my dad and stepmother. We're in the dining room." I said, "Well, we're at the bar when you're ready," to which he said, "Okay." Another 10, 15 passes...still no EH. Then his friend P rolls in (who is also L's Estranged Husband) and asks "Where's EH?" and we all respond "he's not here" and P goes, "Yes he is. He's in the dining room." Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!? So we all get up and wander into the next room - which had been checked by the lesbians for the EH's large presence - and lo and behold, there was EH, sitting with his back to the door. A genius move if you're expecting friends. (What? Like his dad and stepmother would recognize us? They don't know any of us except for me and I haven't seen them in two years. Please, EH, wise the fuck up.)

Ugh.

When we all finished standing around the table - in an awkward attempt to choose a seat that didn't involve sitting next to one of our respective exes, the EH said, "I thought nobody loved me" and we said "you dumbass, we were in the next room and you knew it. Why didn't you come out after we called you?" FOUR PEOPLE thought the EH was the one who should have come out since he knew we were there. Of course, the EH thought we should have come in. Ridiculous! His dad had to be like "kids, let's not fight." Classic.

So we all stared at each other and tried to smile for the EH...picture this: 4 couples at one table, and 3 of the couples are not only broken up, but uncomfortable around each other. IT WAS HELLISH. I would have given my left boob for a table full of self-aggrandizing Pi Phis - anything would be better than the freakshow gathering we made.

L and I went back into the bar for a smoke - just to break the tension - and P followed us. Then, next thing we know the lesbian folksingers are leaving - goodbye! Bye! Then the dad and stepmother leave - and then EH lumbers back to our bar table and sits down AND SAYS NOTHING. And once again, it was up to me to instigate conversation. Um, yeah. Not so much. I was like, "So, how do you feel, Graduate?" It was pathetic. Nobody could maintain eye contact much less converse beyond a two-to-three sentence exchange. So finally L starts going, "I am beat. I had such a rough week. Alisa, are you tired?" "Yeah, I'm really tired, do you want to go?"

And so that was that. We were there a total of an hour and it felt like it lasted a year. We left the EH and P alone in the bar, and we picked up a six-pack and headed back to my continental apartment to listen to music (I put on Queens of the Stone Age and The Flaming Lips because L is a Hessian at heart) and we dished about boys.

It was genius. In a good way.

I also found out that due to the inordinate amount of booze she drank that gruesome Friday night, she had blacked out and honestly remembered NOTHING from about 2 a.m. on. HORRIFYING.

...why are so many of my friends textbook binge alcoholics? Hm...I wonder...

// posted by Alisa @ 1:25 PM