...And Then Everything Went Horribly, Horribly Wrong

"I need! I need!"

Stop me, please. I have a problem. I've been advised by my mortgage broker to stop shopping until my loan goes through. Um, oops. Thank goodness I've already shopped for everyone on my list. Well, with one 6'6" exception - I've revised this year's list. And except for a few (all out of state), I don't exchange gifts with my friends. We're more about sharing cigarettes and buying drinks. A shared bar tab says "Happy Festivus" all year long!

So - again - I caught a few minutes of the end of Pimp My Mom. I swear I am some type of masochist. Just in time, too, to see the Teenage Angst Cam swoop in for crotch shots of underfed teenage girls. I don't remember girls at my high school looking like that. We thought someone was slutty if her Guess miniskirt was more than 3 inches above her knee. And oh mah gawd - white lipstick. That was the hallmark of a skank! Now it's so difficult to tell who's the skank and who just looks skanky. For more on this, please watch the South Park where Paris Hilton came to town and all the girls wanted to be Stupid Whores. It's so accurate that's it's almost beyond belief, and features the most disturbing sequence - the "Whore Off" - ever imagined. I can't even repeat it...it's just...something you have to see for yourself.

Anyhoo, so back to My Mom's Whoring Me Out to Teenage Boys, the guy picked his girlie, and he asked her what she wanted to do on their date. And I shite you not, she said, "Um, I dunnoooo...maybe bungee jumping or horseback riding?"

Oh, good times. If you could only hear my chortles. Ho ho ho! I'm feeling a bit lightheaded! That just tickled me oh so right. "I dunno...bungee jumping?" DUDE - SHUT UP. SHUT SHUT SHUT YOUR DUMB DUMB DUMB 12-YEAR-OLD FACE. Oh my! Tee hee. Mm. Eh.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch. I had a busy busy day at work. Settled an argument with the EH, got the refi in motion, saw Hot Hot Dr. B for a cleaning of my teef, emailed the same moving company that moved me into my continental apartment to come and take my shit out out out...oh, it was a glorious, ridiculous day. What a life. And the Puppy just called. He's going to pick up Mexican and I'm going to his place in an hour to watch South Park. It's our thang.

Help me.

I was at this chichi grocery store today and some Man was looking at me. He said my name and all of a sudden I knew who he was...this guy Dennis who I knew briefly in 1992. He was a regular at the Cuban restaurant where I was cocktailing. He was 45 back then. I was 12. He was a flirt but an all around great guy. Never out of bounds, just cute and happy-making. I could not believe that he recognized me. We chatted for about 15 and he flattered me - more flattery - oh, how I need it right now - and we exchanged cards and agreed to meet for coffee. He was like, "Are you married?" and I said, "I'm almost not." To which he replied, "I've never heard anyone put it that way." ha ha! Leave it to me to redefine divorce as "almost not married." My, it sounds excessively legal, doesn't it?

Oh god, well, at least I'm laughing right now. It could be so much worse.

ps: Bimbelina, this is a shout out just for you: "Cut the toikey! Cut the toikey!"

Good times. Good times.

Oh, nononnonononononono. No. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I'm blogging with America's Next Top Model in the background. It's that last bit where the panel of freaks rips the contestants to shreds. And of this one girl, Tyra Banks said, "She thinks all it takes to be a model is being pretty and putting on makeup." HOWEVER, she added, "It's about hard work. It's about research."

Oh, hot lord.

// posted by Alisa @ 6:32 PM