...And Then Everything Went Horribly, Horribly Wrong

Here's something twisted: MTV now has a show called "Date My Mom," where moms go on dates with prospective dates for their daughters, boasting about little Missy's good points and happily dishing about the bad. Yes - grown women, fueled by the proximity of youthful testosterone, spend an afternoon trying to convince some kid that their brand of teenage hoochie is the one he'll like the best.

Is it just me, or is this morally damaging to the youth of America? And what happened to the good old days where you dated some guy specifically because your mom didn't like him? Even more disturbing than the family values implications is the general appearance of the girls. Case in point: Today's winner was 20 years old and obviously a huge Tara Reid fan. And at the final reveal it was one of those "did her mother know she wore that out of the house?!?" things, made even more creepshow because her mom was right there. Standing by, and beaming with big white chiclet choppers as her overbleached, obviously well-waxed daughter exited a limo and the Teenage Angst Cam closed in for the Beat-Off-To-This slo mo.

Regardless of the twisted nature of the teenage pimpathon, a Tara Reid wannabe in any situation is disturbing. (NOTE: It is never "irregardless," so let's correct that English-language mutilation right here, shall we? We'll discuss misplaced apostrophes in a future post.)

However, if you know me, you know that I adore Tara Reid. Not just for her exceptional acting abilities (nobody does stone-faced like T), but for her humiliating drunken antics like getting kicked off planes, exposing breasts and falling down drunk wherever she goes.

Of course, I can see how the Tara Reid comment I just made could make me look hypocritical, as I just lambasted friend L for similar behavior, but let's be honest here: L is no Tara Reid. Perhaps I should be more forgiving - she's been sheltered for 14 years in the custody/company of one prince of a guy, but there is a Golden Rule when it comes to your girlfriends: Never swap spit - or anything else - with a guy your friend has made out with unless you have express permission. Or unless you're in high school. Or college. Or at a bachelorette party. Or making out in a foreign country...with foreign guys.

When you sully man-meat for a girlfriend "by accident," that's one thing. But just think: by putting your tongue in his mouth you're guaranteeing that your friend will never again be able to do so due to your selfishness. Plus - your friend was there first, so she has dibs. This is all very childish, I know, especially since I don't really care. But this is how I roll.

The corollary to the rule is this: No matter how base the guy may be acting, no matter how insulting it is for him to tackle your friend right under your nose, he is given first dibs at forgiveness. Why? Because guys are often just "dudes" - fucking dumbasses, but never looking much past getting their freak on when an opportunity presents itself. At the moment of decision, the Nice Guy You Crushed On disappears, and is replaced by The Lord of the Flies.

ps: Yes, this is what I do with my free time. I found this blog - and I hope it's not too mean to pass it along for a mutual mock-fest, but I had to. She appears to be fargin nutty and I'm feeling sinister. Observe: http://lowcarbeating4life.blogspot.com/.

// posted by Alisa @ 1:15 PM