10.31.2004
I Sound Insane, Don't I?
Well, you can't have everything.
So last night Just Joe and I went to the fabulous North Scottsdale AJ's to pick up something delish for dinner before watching Suzanne Somers. So this market - aside from being practically in New Mexico - is in prime Cougar territory. The soft lighting in the store is flattering enough to make me want to drive the 50 miles to benefit from it, and the cougars, they revel in it. And frankly, you haven't seen anything until you've seen be-Botoxed and bejeweled 45-year-old women in expensive sweatsuits pony up at the dessert bar to decide what they're going to binge and purge on that evening.
And after leaving this halcyon shrine to culinary wonders, we realized we were sans corkscrew, and had to stop at another grocery store to pick one up on the way home. This time it was an Albertson's...basically that's like 98% ghetto. Maybe 99. It's like going from the Taj Mahal to a 7-11. I felt dirty. And as I was standing in line with Just Joe, waiting for my turn to figure out how to use the overly complicated automated self check-out, I see a strangely familiar face coming my way...turns out it's my old boyfriend's best friend. Looking rather portly, too. So that was a good time. Anyhoo, he was very sweet - gave this old biddy a hug and made the small talk - but he asked me like three times if everything was okay. Hm, why would he wonder about that? Could it be perhaps because I'm in some ghetto North Scottsdale supermarket on a Saturday night, buying a corkscrew and not wearing a wedding ring? Hm...
Sigh. But then, thankfully, we had Suzanne. And she is such a crazy bitch that she makes me look positively well-adjusted. And her showing last night did not disappoint. It dawned on Just Joe and I that she is the ultimate Cougar. Except for the fact that she's been married for like 35 years. To the same man. And what drugs must he be on to tolerate her bizarre self-satisfied behavior? He is always smiling - showing the world his gigantic capped choppers - and always willing to whore himself on tv for his wife. I think that Just Joe and I have a crush on him. Well, actually, not so much.
But Suzanne has a new tagline for her clothing, which I think is just thisshort of brilliance: Hip, Sexy, Not Desperate. Yes, kids, not desperate. For it's like totally humiliating when your Cougar mom sneaks the hip-huggers from your laundry basket and follows you to a bar on a Friday night - and now, thanks to Suzanne, she can have her own hookerish outfits, and wear them with pride, because she is not desperate.
Don't get me wrong - I kid the Cougars because I don't understand them, but I have a healthy respect for them since I may find myself on their side of the fence one of these days. But - mark my words - I will never, ever be there wearing Suzanne Somers' shoes.
So last night Just Joe and I went to the fabulous North Scottsdale AJ's to pick up something delish for dinner before watching Suzanne Somers. So this market - aside from being practically in New Mexico - is in prime Cougar territory. The soft lighting in the store is flattering enough to make me want to drive the 50 miles to benefit from it, and the cougars, they revel in it. And frankly, you haven't seen anything until you've seen be-Botoxed and bejeweled 45-year-old women in expensive sweatsuits pony up at the dessert bar to decide what they're going to binge and purge on that evening.
And after leaving this halcyon shrine to culinary wonders, we realized we were sans corkscrew, and had to stop at another grocery store to pick one up on the way home. This time it was an Albertson's...basically that's like 98% ghetto. Maybe 99. It's like going from the Taj Mahal to a 7-11. I felt dirty. And as I was standing in line with Just Joe, waiting for my turn to figure out how to use the overly complicated automated self check-out, I see a strangely familiar face coming my way...turns out it's my old boyfriend's best friend. Looking rather portly, too. So that was a good time. Anyhoo, he was very sweet - gave this old biddy a hug and made the small talk - but he asked me like three times if everything was okay. Hm, why would he wonder about that? Could it be perhaps because I'm in some ghetto North Scottsdale supermarket on a Saturday night, buying a corkscrew and not wearing a wedding ring? Hm...
Sigh. But then, thankfully, we had Suzanne. And she is such a crazy bitch that she makes me look positively well-adjusted. And her showing last night did not disappoint. It dawned on Just Joe and I that she is the ultimate Cougar. Except for the fact that she's been married for like 35 years. To the same man. And what drugs must he be on to tolerate her bizarre self-satisfied behavior? He is always smiling - showing the world his gigantic capped choppers - and always willing to whore himself on tv for his wife. I think that Just Joe and I have a crush on him. Well, actually, not so much.
But Suzanne has a new tagline for her clothing, which I think is just thisshort of brilliance: Hip, Sexy, Not Desperate. Yes, kids, not desperate. For it's like totally humiliating when your Cougar mom sneaks the hip-huggers from your laundry basket and follows you to a bar on a Friday night - and now, thanks to Suzanne, she can have her own hookerish outfits, and wear them with pride, because she is not desperate.
Don't get me wrong - I kid the Cougars because I don't understand them, but I have a healthy respect for them since I may find myself on their side of the fence one of these days. But - mark my words - I will never, ever be there wearing Suzanne Somers' shoes.
