10.29.2004
Curses! Foiled Again
“Get used to the lonesome; girl, you must atone some.”
The Shins
“Go, and never darken my towels again.”
Groucho Marx
So last night I went to my ghetto gym, and when I got home I got the call…N canceled on the Dios show. It was predictable, I suppose. The venue was pretty much down the street for me, but about 20 minutes from N, and in Phoenix Time that's like two hours. Can’t begin to explain how much Phoenicians love their cars and how much they hate to drive. I have friends in North Scottsdale and Ocotillo – a good 25 minutes each – who I see like twice a year. I see my friends in NYC and California about 10 times as often.
And speaking of Phoenix drivers, please, people, save the meth for after work. There’s nothing like seeing some sketchy 4x2 come careening down the street – camper top and all – and changing lanes like Camelback Road is a Nascar straightaway. Saw one this morning on my (leisurely) way into the office. The driver – or should I say, Mr. Andretti – was obviously spinning off that last line since he was treating the morning commute like his own personal game of Frogger. The beautiful part, though, was winding up at the signals just seconds behind him. Too bad he had to endanger lives to get to the exact same place at the exact same time.
So instead of seeing a delicious band for only $8, I watched “Tadpole” last night. Found it interesting, but it was difficult to imagine tight-lipped Sigourney Weaver as the object of a young boy's lust when Bebe Neuwirth is sizzling right next to her. But I have to give both women extra-credit for not jumping on the Botox bandwagon (see http://www.awfulplasticsurgery.com/ for offenders). They looked spectacular – lined foreheads and all. Loved John Ritter, too. Sigh. ...the movie had a weird cover of "Only Living Boy in New York," though, which I found disturbing. That song was one of the highlights of “Garden State” and its soundtrack, but here it was eerily done – kind of muzacked.
But all was not lost - Suzanne Somers was on hsn last night, so I spent about half an hour on the phone with Just Joe, mocking her outfits and busting out laughing. Good times. Suzanne, methinks, takes a hiatus from tv every time she gets a new surgical procedure. I’ve noticed that over the last few years her forehead has been getting oddly smaller. At first I thought maybe her bangs were getting longer, but I really think that forehead is being yanked farther and farther up the scalp. I wouldn’t be surprised if her eyebrows touch her hairline.
And the merch – oh, hot lord – it was unparalleled. If I can figure out the photo thing again I’ll post a couple of high(low?)lights here. Suzanne has this thing for “loungewear”…loosely translated, it’s basically around-the-house fat-suits for women with who would buy the Kathie Lee collection if only it wasn’t so “corporate.”
Last night it was “burnout velvet” – hideous upholstery fabric in complexion-squashing shades of orange and teal. We’re talking head-to-toe vileness, cut into a cowl-neck and pants. Or as Suzanne says, “pant.” Seriously, there is nothing funnier on television. Tune in if you get the chance.
Also: can we talk "Personal Hell"? I was just trying to scare D with Ye Olde "there's a monkey under your desk" bit, but he wasn't falling for it. His Achilles heel? Payless shoes. So, of course, we started talking Personal Hells. I've given mine a lot of thought over the years, especially as my moral compass slides more and more off course. It currently includes a Starbucks on every corner, wearing flat shoes, not having mascara, waiting in line behind a woman with a crying child (or in front of a women with a child that constantly bumps into me while she pays no mind), listening incessantly to the entire Mariah Carey catalog (this has been a long-term pick, but could change with the passage of time - she just wins because of that whole 14-octaves thing) and the smell of hot dogs.
Please feel free to share what your idea of Personal Hell is with the group. We care about you. Besides, enquiring minds want to know.
ps: "underpublished" jd salinger stories. genius. http://www.freeweb.hu/tchl/salinger/
